5 Stinky Tips for Santa
So, here’s my theory. Santa is kind of a vindictive guy. If you’re naughty, not only will he withhold gifts, but he will even go out of his way to leave a piece of coal in your stocking. Coal is heavy and carrying a load of it on a sleigh is no small thing. You have to be really irked to roll this way. You’re not just ignoring people’s requests – you’re actually leaving a little reminder of the fact that they failed at basic niceness.
- You think coal is punishment? Imagine waking to find a warm, gooey wad of super-stinky cheese waiting at the bottom of your stocking.
- Stinky cheese will stick with you. One touch and you are marked by the tell-tale funk of naughtiness. And I challenge you to wash it off – not happening!
- Stinky cheese is less wasteful. Honestly, what are all the naughty kids going to do with hunks of coal? Nothing! If you leave them stinky cheese instead, there’s a chance one of their grandparents will say, “Hey – no need to waste that cheese. Just get me a cracker.”
- Stinky cheese is more humane. Let’s not forget about the extra work for the elves (hopefully just the naughty ones), who are probably forced to mine all that coal while being prodded with candy canes. It’s a sad thing.
- Stinky cheese is flexible. Just a little naughty? Leave a wedge of Reblochon. Medium-naughty? Limburger. Super-naughty? Stinking Bishop all the way.
Santa, I like you. You’ve always been good to me (I particularly remember the year you brought an Easy-Bake Oven and a set of walkie-talkies). Plus, I get you. You’re not a turn-the-other-cheek kind of guy. You reward the good and wreak havoc on the bad. But trust me when I say there is WAY more reeky havoc at your fingertips. Just give me a call and I’ll hook you up. I’ll also mention it to our Elf on the Shelf just in case.
Merry Christmas to all you hard-core Santas out there! And we’ll have your stinky cheese waiting!